What are Daddy Issues?
Ah, 'daddy issues'.
The ever-popular explanation for why someone always falls for the wrong type, can't maintain a healthy relationship or has an inexplicable attraction to older men in dad jeans.
Away from the internet memes or pop psychology catchphrases, what are daddy issues in the real world? Are they simply an over-relied excuse for picking the wrong guys, or a refusal to deal with past experiences that lead to troubled adult relationships?
To cut through the myths and misconceptions around this infamous term, we’ve turned to the experts to define the true meaning of daddy issues, and whether they can have a genuine impact on romantic relationships.
What does daddy issues mean?
We’ve all heard of daddy issues, and while this catch-all term might be thrown around like confetti in internet circles—what does it really mean?
“Daddy issues is an oversimplified term used to describe the psychological impact of an absent, neglectful, or abusive father,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“These effects influence attachment style, emotional needs, and behavior across the lifespan. “Daddy issues” is not a clinical diagnosis—it’s simply a colloquial expression that points to deeper psychological challenges.”
Can you have daddy issues with a good father?
Daddy issues only point to one culprit, but how can our relationship with dear old Dad be held accountable for such a complex range of issues?
If you’ve had a good relationship with your father or caregivers, it feels strange to suddenly blame them for your struggles to find a stable romantic partner. The father-daughter relationship (or father-child relationship) is inherently complicated, with this original complexity pointed out by Sigmund Freud in his ‘Father Complex’.
Tied to his ‘Oedipus Complex’ theory, this also gave fruition to the idea of ‘mommy issues’, which holds mom accountable for an equally wide range of issues.
“The father/child relationship is complex. Even good fathers can inadvertently impact their child’s emotional well-being and relational development in negative ways,” says Caruso.
“For example, overly protective fathers—though well-intentioned—may inhibit their child’s ability to develop independence and resilience. This often leads to difficulties in navigating conflict and building self-confidence. Similarly, fathers who set excessively high expectations for their children, despite wanting the best for them, often create unnecessary pressure and stress. This leads some children to feel they are never good enough, resulting in low self-esteem, anxiety, and perfectionism.”
Therefore, while abusive or absent fathers or emotionally unavailable fathers are usually cited as the cause of daddy issues—it’s not so straightforward.
How do you know if you have daddy issues?
Turning to Google for diagnosis is always a recipe for disaster, but if you’re concerned you’ve got a case of the dreaded ‘daddy issues’, we’re here to help.
Pop culture references suggest a very identifiable model for daddy issues. Namely, an attraction to older bad boys who treat you like a combination of a therapist, a maid, and an afterthought.
However, it’s not all about your dating history or your preferences for a man who resembles your father in the 80s, as there are a number more textbook-friendly patterns to look out for.
“Daddy issues tend to show up in patterns,” says Caruso.
“Difficulties with relationships, emotions, self-perception, and behavior can all occur following a complex paternal relationship.”
What are signs of daddy issues?
According to Caruso, if you suspect you may have daddy issues, here are some patterns to look for:
A tendency to choose partners who replicate aspects of your relationship with your father, like partners who are emotionally unavailable, overly critical, or controlling.
Difficulty trusting others, which often manifests as jealousy, insecurity, or a need for constant reassurance from your partner.
A strong need for external validation and approval from others, especially authority figures or partners.
Persistent feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, or low self-worth.
A deep-seated fear of abandonment or rejection.
Feeling clingy, possessive, or anxious in relationships.
Strong reactions to situations, or triggers, that remind you of your father. This can be an intense emotional response like anger, sadness, or anxiety.
Difficulty forming close, intimate relationships or feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
Idealizing father figures or, conversely, harboring resentment and negative feelings towards them.
Overcompensating for perceived shortcomings by striving for perfection, success, or control in various areas of your life.
An anxious or avoidant attachment style, or a combination of both, is often referred to as a disorganized attachment style.
Avoidance of emotions or difficulty expressing them, often suppressing feelings or detaching from emotional situations.
Difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships.
Does having daddy issues affect relationships?
By definition, a dysfunctional relationship with your father can result in unhealthy relationship patterns in your adult life.
“Daddy issues often manifest as trust issues, insecure attachment styles, and a strong need for approval,” says Caruso.
Depending on your relationship, it can alter your search for emotional connection later on, with these issues causing you to repeat patterns from this foundational relationship.
“People who’ve struggled with their paternal relationship, or lack thereof, might demonstrate low self-esteem, emotional reactivity, and a fear of abandonment, which may cause someone to cling to their relationships, or avoid connection altogether, says Caruso.
“These patterns can result in difficulties with intimacy, poor communication, and challenges in setting healthy boundaries.”
Struggling with the results of daddy issues, such as an anxious attachment style, can greatly affect your relationships—impacting your overall mental health and wellness over time. However, daddy issues aren’t a life sentence, and with professional help, there are options available to combat them.
How do you heal daddy issues?
At the end of the day, everyone has “issues”. The question isn't whether these issues affect your relationships, but how you choose to address them.
“Self-awareness is key to forming new, healthy relational patterns,” says Caruso.
“Recognizing and addressing the result of childhood attachment issues through self-awareness and therapy is necessary to truly move forward.”
According to Caruso, healing looks different for everyone, but generally includes the following steps:
Acknowledgment and self-awareness: Reflecting on how your relationship with your father has influenced your emotional and relational patterns to better understand the root of your issues.
Therapy: Seeking help from a therapist, particularly one who specializes in family dynamics or attachment theory, can provide a safe space to explore and address these issues. Therapy can help you process past traumas, understand your feelings, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Inner child work: Reconnecting with and healing the wounded parts of yourself from childhood through journaling, guided visualizations, or other therapeutic exercises that help you nurture and validate your younger self.
Building self-esteem: Working on self-worth and self-compassion by setting realistic goals, celebrating achievements, and practicing positive self-talk to develop a strong sense of self and rely less on external validation.
Developing healthy relationships: Surrounding yourself with supportive and understanding people, learning to form secure attachments, setting boundaries, and communicating effectively.
Forgiving and letting go: You don’t necessarily need to forgive your father, but you do need to forgive yourself for your own behavior, which can help release any lingering resentment and anger your harbor towards your father. This can also help you let go of the need to seek approval or validation from your father (or others).
Mindfulness and emotional regulation: Learning to stay present and manage your emotions more effectively using techniques like meditation, deep breathing, and grounding exercises.
Education and personal growth: Reading self-help books, attending workshops, and engaging in personal development activities for additional insights and tools.
