SycamoreSea

it's a summer night again. i think it has been a million years since i lived through a summer night. everything is so much louder in summer, the windows thrown wide and the whole world shouting, echoing up from the street, and that screaming aching space between the window pane and my heart, where the late scent of lilacs burrowed, where your hands clawed at the glass and i let you in with the breeze and the laughing cinquefoil faces. where is the dull neglectable roar, washed away in the sweet tides of everything blooming, new colors crying out for the stars to fall on their petals, and lift them up, and let them in to the bleak brightnes...

i forgot how perfect summer weekend mornings are sun spreading through the window to pool on the sillnights play on repeat, staccato memories in lightning flashes, your hand in mine and the heat impossiblei want to lie here forevercat tucks her head in like an owl at midnight, fluffs at me, chirps, and her purr holds me down;i could rise and face the day, or let it pass over me in waves, like lying on the sand in the shallows and looking up.

Look, you can fill your house with plants to replace her but they're just going to keep dying. you can't grow anything good, and expect it to keep living, andhe's letting go and you know it; he thinks he's saved you to fly, but you're still living just to limp to the sea and drown yourself someday where he can't see;you will always be missing their pieces, you will always be wondering which road was the wrong one, because no one will tell you the truth.be bright, be good, or be broken-hearted: it will end the same, fraying apart in your handsevery time.so hold on to the gifts from the road and take the long way home; hold on to the wings t...

the truth is that i have never been less okay.i miss you like a hole in the world, but the hole is the size of the world and it's in me instead, barely constrained by fraying fathoms and my hands frantic at my edges. the truth is that i can't get through a night without crying, that i wanted to dig my heart out but you did it for me so now i am only vacant salt and drowned ashes. i wish you had hesitated even for a second before you promised me, just so i could know it was hard for you. i would take it all back if it would help but i don't even know what i have to take back except the past two years. can we sit down and talk about all the ...

so here's something simple:i miss you.i miss you in all my corners and veins, i miss you with crooked hands and cracked lips. i haven't stopped missing you since i stepped on the bus and looked up at your back, and looked back and you were gone. i miss you when you're across the street and i know you're there, that i could put on my sweatshirt and my shaking hands and tuck myself into the rain and go tell you i miss you, but i am not allowed. i am not allowed to still want you to kiss me, because there is too much asphalt and ocean between us, and because i missed a step and now you are an absent column, fragmenting concrete, the cracks in...