Temptation

I've been feeling really bad lately. School is stressful, so I have that going on, but some people in my life have deliberately turned their back on me and seemed to have lost all interest in me. It's really painful, and it's reminding me why I, to an extent, dislike having deep friendships. It makes me more sensitive, and it's easier for that friend to snap my well being like a toothpick. I despise growing attached to people because all it does is hurt me, every single fucking time. I don't know what happiness feels like, and I need to keep reminding myself that no one can spoon-feed me that happiness, contrary to what my mind wants to think.

This is my character Misora. Some think of her as too over-dramatic, intense, and angsty. She's seen as a Mary Sue to some people too.

There is a part of Misora's mind that is constantly trying to convince her to end her life. This is how I was this summer (it was really bad then), and how I continue to be to a much smaller extent. A small negative event or thought occurs, and her mind takes it a mile further. When someone isn't treating her right, she thinks she's a complete waste of human space and she needs to die. Can't be happy? She thinks that's because she's a mopey, over-dramatic crybaby and needs to die. Her husband doesn't deal with her issues in a healthy way, therefore she feels that she's a burden on him and his family and she needs to leave.

Why doesn't she just leave? Cause she has attachments to her husband and others. She doesn't WANT those attachments because of what happened with her dad (he was violently murdered), and she doesn't want history to repeat itself. The question "Why don't you just leave?" isn't a very smart question. She wants to cry pretty much constantly cause she can't stand walking around with the torment, but she tries to remain collected to make sure she's not a burden, and that she's taken seriously. It's really hard for her.

Why is she so intense? Maybe because her thoughts and constant temptations to die are intense. People don't seem to understand that, and it's painful. Not just because my character's seen as a "wrongly portrayed" depressed girl with PTSD, whatever that means, but because this is how some people DEAL WITH people like me, people with these disorders. I despise this treatment. It disturbs me. 

That's why I titled this sketch "Temptation."