Kamikaze-666

Hello my dears, I wish all of you happy Hollidays with your family, friends and loved once. Hope all of you are having a good time

Actually I wanted to leave you a tiny christmas picture, but unfurtunately I didn't made it in time. I'm so sorry. I was busy with my job, had health troubles and sorrows for my cat. No time for fun stuff XD Besides I'm still without photoshop XD

But at least I got to solve my latest problem with my computer. Had to format the whole thing and now everything is running the way it's ment to again. I just need to find some time to return my data to the computer and reinstall all programs and everything will be fine again - yaaay But as for I'm having guests until the first week of next year, this won't happen before that So I decided to gave up with trying for this year, it won't get any better I fear. 2014 didn't turn out so well for me, but now it's gonna end, so....screw it! XD I'm planing to start the new one with new energy, leaving the mess behind me and finally getting my focus onto art again.

So...in this sence. Have a great time, take care about you and we'll see again next year with new energy and more luck, joy and - drum roll - new fanart.

Hi there my dears, 

I fear, I have some quite bad news. Well, at least for me. I'm kinda desperated since some days now and I'm runnig out of ideas. 

In fact some of the worst things, that could happen to me, happend. My graphic programs broke. All 3 of it. It's a disaster. And I've no clue why or what happend, even less how I could fix it. 

The last weeks had been full of work and effort for me, because I wanted to get rid of all open tasks and duties, which kept me away from drawing. I wanted to complete as much as I could, to free my mind, so I finally would be able to focus on drawing again. To get me the time I'd need. Because I finally AM in the mood again to do that all night and day and enjoying it. I'm so full of ideas and after one year of saving money, I was finally able to buy me a new graphic tablet (my old one was about 10 years old, scratched and tended to quit working from one moment to another). So actually this should had been something to be happy about. And it was...until I installed the new tablet (I fear).

After that, everything first worked decent, but after restarting the computer...none of my graphic programs did open. As soon, as I want to start them, they would start loading, but before they're done, I'll get the note, that program doesn't work anymore and is going to close. And that's exactly what happens next. Only the graphic programs btw. Everything else is running pretty fine. 

I started with trying a newstart. No effect. I reinstalled the tablet, checked the display card (it's ok), checked the drivers, reinstalled the programs, did a defragmentation....nothing. I still can't open the programs. 

And without those programs...well, of course I'm still able to to pencil scetches, but...actually that's not really, what I want. I need color to express the things I want. I'm not the pencil type. So as long, I'm without some running program, I won't be able to create new art.

That's why this situation is really, REALLY bad and makes me all frustrated and desperated. Plus I already spent a lot of time in trying to fix it without the slightest progress

*sigh* I don't know anything more to try. Also a good friend did try to get them running again, but he didn't find the error (or whatever) as well, so...
Still there are some options and people I'm going to ask for help, but I'm not sure, if this will lead to some positive result. I'm giving my very best, but at this moment, I'm unable to say, when there will come new stuff of mine. So sorry. 

I'm honestly sad about that crap, because I really want to draw, I worked for it, to give me the opportunity and now my tools aren't usable :/ That is...not fair. 

Well...my question to you is, if maybe ANYBODY did had such trouble as well once? And might know, what I could do? I'm open for ideas and suggestions. If you have any ideas, what else I could try, please, please, PLEEEEASE tell me. This is so hard. (I guess, every other artist can tell). I would be so grateful. T_T

Hello my dear Watchers, 

yes, I'm still alive and I'm sorry for my long absence (although I've no idea, if I actually was missed anyway). I didn't plan to stay silent and inactive for such a long time, but I've been troubled by a lot of personal things. 

I actually don't want to bother you with all the details, but let me say, that I had some trouble with my family and that some people, which I used to call friends, did hurt me quite deeply and I needed to find a way for me to deal with it. I really tried to don't let these things get close to me, but in the end I still just felt hurt, abandoned, betrailed...scraped. I tried to deal with it, keep my head up and go on, but that's really hard, if you don't even have a clue, what you did wrong anyway. And when people, which ar important to you, refuse talking to you, without letting you know the reason, there is just no way for you to put an end to it. It'll be unfinished forever. There might be people, who're able to deal with such a situation, who only reject it with a shrug, saying 'well, fuck you then' and go on. Unfortunately I'm not such a person. For me this is one of the cruelest things, a person could do to me. I stay behind, asking myself the same questions over and over again, desperated, frustrated and full of doubts. Sadly, situations like this, seem to  run like a common thread through my life I'm sure, that's why I always struggle with trusting people and to let people get close to me. And when I dare to do it, they'll leave me alone. 

In the end this (and other mess) led to a massive artblock for me. My creativity and skills seemed to be totally cracked or vanished or something. I wasn't even able to draw a stickman anymore. And this was just too much for me. Feeling blue, useless and angry, I withdrawed into myself, I wasn't in the mood to talk, write, draw or meet anybody. I disregarded a lot of things, I fear, and I'm sorry for this :/ But I really needed this time and distance to calm down and think straight again. I've just been too exhausted to keep pretending, that I'm fine anymore. 

Meanwhile I actually feel a lot better and I regained my vitality. At least I think so There a still some thoughts bothering me, but that's quite normal and I'm fine with it.  I also regained my joy in being creative and felt inspired again. And this feels really, really good. Releasing. I didn't like the person, I was the past month, but now I started to feel like myself again

I wasn't sure, if I should write about these things, because I don't want to give you the feeling, that I'm whining around and begging for pitty, that's not, what I intended to do. It's more that I felt so sorry and a bit guilty, that I didn't react to you all the time. And I felt, that you deserve an explanation. There are so many comments, faves, watcher, which I never answered and I'm sorry for it. I've seen all of it and it always cheered me up - at least for a while. I never wanted to act ungrateful, because that is, what I actually am-thank you . I've just been so tired. But I'll amending myself. I fear, that I'm not able to catch up with all the messages I received - foregive me - but from now on, I'll do my best to respond and comment at least as much as possible (unfortunately I still have all these annoying RL-duties XD).

And to add some good news(?) for those of you, still reading :

I'm still a bit slow, because I'm out of practice, but...I've started to paint again-ta-daaa And with a bit of luck, I'll finally submit new stuff at weekend. Or at least soon. Hope, this doesn't sound too bad

I still don't dare to give any promises, but I want to finally be more active again-I miss this place.