Sharing Their Name
In this blog, Andy Langford, our Clinical Director reflects on the importance of saying the names and telling the stories of those who are no longer with us.
It was a scorchingly sunny midday in Lichfield, as my eyes slowly journeyed across the ordered rows and columns of names carved into the Armed Forces Memorial stones, each name distinct from the other, signifying a life lived and a life sacrificed.
I stood up in front of the small gathering, of those who had come to pay their respects to my dad, who had died only 10 days before. Following me, each friend in turn spoke my dad’s name and shared something of his life. Each story encapsulated a small part of him.
Expressing and encountering the name of someone who has died means more than reading or hearing words. That was my experience in Lichfield, and in a small cosy café on New Years’ Eve, after my dad’s funeral. It’s the experience of many.
Yet, it is quite usual for many people to stop themselves talking about the person who has died, who continues to mean so much to us. They may also stop declaring that person’s name. Often, it’s well-meaning. They don’t want to remind us of the fact that the person who has died is no longer here, which could be upsetting. Perhaps they just don’t know what to say.
However, if someone close to you has died, you will know that you don’t need a reminder – the person is very much present in your heart and mind anyway. In fact, the stating of their name can be an opportunity to acknowledge that the person who remains close to you in memory, has lived. They still matter to you, and to others as well. Using the person’s name can show that their memory lives on. They are not and will not be forgotten, as is the case with those whose names are written on the memorial at Lichfield.
In sharing the name of the person who has died, we invite others to do likewise, and that’s where storytelling can begin. Steadily, the narrative of the person who was alive, take shape. Each contribution about them brings more detail, personal experience and meaning. In that small café, I experienced an unfolding of my dad’s life story, as I heard his name repeated with affection.
To conclude, voicing of the name of the person who has died is powerful. It’s a way of acknowledging that the life of that person has meaning. Their identity continues to matter.