Even the best crystal balls couldn’t have predicted some of the bizarre events of 2016 — not least, that a crude, TV reality show host/real estate billionaire would win the race for president. Divining what will happen in 2017 won’t be much easier.
Yet here are some predictions you can be sure won’t come to pass in the coming year.
- Donald Trump will build a wall and Mexico will pay for it.
- Democrats will quit blaming James Comey, Vladimir Putin and the Grinch Who Stole the Election for Hillary Clinton’s loss — and admit she was just a lousy candidate.
- In appreciation for all that America has done for him, Colin Kaepernick will belt out “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the Macy’s 4th of July fireworks celebration.
- Mayor Bill de Blasio will stop killing helpless, innocent animals.
- For kicks, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie will order lanes closed at the George Washington Bridge.
- The Hilton will build a spanking new four-star hotel in . . . Aleppo. (After locating the city on a map, Gary Johnson will be its first guest.)
- Out of respect for his new office, President Trump will give up tweeting forever.
- Out of respect for his new office, President Trump will give up tweeting for a month.
- Trump will give up tweeting for 10 minutes.
- Bernie Sanders will become a Wall Street banker.
- Universities will lure their speech police into safe spaces, lock the door behind them and throw away the key — and declare their campuses fully open to freedom of expression, thought and debate.
- All the A-listers who vowed to leave the country if Trump won the election — Rosie O’Donnell, Amy Schumer, Chelsea Handler, Jon Stewart, Neve Campbell, Bryan Cranston, Lena Dunham, Ne-Yo, Chloë Sevigny, Al Sharpton, Natasha Lyonne, Samuel L. Jackson, Cher, George Lopez, Barbra Streisand, Raven-Symoné, Whoopi Goldberg, Miley Cyrus, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and others — will actually leave.
- One of de Blasio’s Renewal schools will show signs of . . . renewal.
- Russia will be tasked with ensuring that no corruption takes place in any international sports competition.
- Gov. Andrew Cuomo will campaign vigorously for de Blasio’s re-election.
- Thanks to its socialist system, Venezuela will become the richest nation on Earth.
- The United Nations will stand up forcefully for the right of Israel to exist.
- Most of the kids who graduate from New York’s public schools will be truly ready for college or a job.
- Iran will abide by the deal and never again pursue nukes.
- State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman will admit people can disagree about climate change — and drop his politically motivated Exxon Mobil witch hunt.
- Hillary Clinton will turn over those 33,000 missing emails.
- A superhero movie will debut in a theater somewhere in the world — and no one will go see it.
- The New York Times will run a glowing, positive profile of Donald Trump.
- The New York Times will find even one nice thing to say about Trump.
- Fired as an ambassador by the United Nations, Wonder Woman will become ISIS’ new mascot.
- The people of Flint, Mich., and Hoosick Falls, NY, will make a fortune bottling and selling their water.
- Senators who work with Ted Cruz will come to like him.
- De Blasio will take nightly horse-carriage rides through Central Park.
- Preet Bharara will end his investigations of New York pols, give them all a clean bill of health and declare the state a paragon of ethical virtue.
- Kim Jong Un will lose in free North Korean elections, step down gracefully and become a used-car salesman.
- Europe will open its doors to millions more refugees — and witness no more terror attacks.
- Trump will eliminate all possible conflicts of interest between his presidency and his family business.
- If you like your doctor, uh . . . never mind.
- Pundits will finally stop making silly New Year’s predictions.