Wait - that can't be right, surely... 
As hard to believe as this is for me on retrospect, a grand total of some seventy-three weeks have passed since I was last actively online, and over the duration of that protracted hiatus, a great deal has taken place in my life... and yet, at the same token, very little has actually changed. 
When last you all heard from me, things were admittedly looking pretty grim. 
But like a dogged trooper, I gritted my teeth, put my head down, and charged my way right on through that which adversity had elected to cast my way - HUZZAH! 
And after an extensive battery of investigative testing (both physiological and psychological), it was eventually revealed that my life-long affliction with chronic insomnia was, in fact, resultant from a condition known as Wittmaack-Ekbom's syndrome... for which I am now receiving adequate treatment. 
Alas, my problems did not end here, however (that would be much too easy, after all...!), and it is now beginning to look as though this, in itself, is symptomatic of a greater malaise - the presumption, at present, being myalgic encephalomyelitis. 
Daunting as this may well be, I'm not giving in just yet, no siree! 
Heh, what can I say - I'm one stubborn bastage! 
At any rate, here I am - determined and motivated at finally start making a solid go of things. 
And use EVERY emoticon I have at my disposal while I'm at it, it would seem! 
I'm happy to report that there are now a good many positive influences in my life, and I am drawing from them all in order to achieve those goals that have been eluding me all these long years. 
Yeah, sure - I'm still inherently tired, but I'm doing my best to prevent this from holding me back any further - go me! 
Today actually saw to the realization of another inspiring milestone to help me along my way - none other than the cinematic release of Dreamwork's highly-anticipated "Transformers" motion picture!
Now, please understand that I would have been in attendance at the June 12th gala premiere... if only my personalized invitation hadn't arrived the day AFTER said event! 
I'd rather been looking forward to the prospect of shaking the hand of Mr. Steven Spielberg, and (if provisionally required) slogging one Michael Bay in the face. 
A shame. 
Anyway, I was fortunate enough to accompany movie-goers to the very first domestic screening this morning, and the following is a brief critique of what I bore witness to...
SPOILER WARNING IN EFFECT: audience discretion is advised The screenplay penned by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci opens with an awkward piece of exposition, as narrated by the inimitable Mr. Peter Cullen, which concisely acquaints the viewer with a brief insight into the backstory of planet Cybertron, while introducing the (execrable) concept of the sacred Allspark Cube. First of all, let me just say that bestowing upon the Allspark (Cybertron's technical equivalent of nirvana) with a corporeal form is folly from the outset... but given the box-office success of a certain 1999 Keanu Reeves vehicle, depiction of the iconic Matrix was presumably deemed inappropriate for this particular cinematic production.Please understand that I would have HIDDEN that review, but I haven't the grasp of encoded Hyper-Text Markup Language to do so...
Irrespective of what the Japanese chose to retitle their dub of "Transformers: The Movie"...
Regardless, we then shift focus from the outer regions of the cosmos to somewhere a little closer to home - the desert landscape of Qatar, to be more precise. Here, we meet a squad of dedicated American soldiers, and the primary focus of the film begins, as the movie's narrative is very much driven from the sympathetic human perspective (as one might well expect from a mainstream Hollywood picture). It isn't long before trouble strikes, however, in the form of an anomalous Sikorsky MH-53 Pave Low helicopter. Anyone familiar with the merchandizing linked to this film will already be well aware that this is the Decepticon Blackout. Affording us eager fans with our first glimpse of a 'real life' Cybertronian warrior mechanically shifting from vehicular to anthropogenic configuration is a real visual treat, the luminaries at ILM once again proving what masters they are in the field of optical special effects. This is also the first (and only) time we are granted the aural satisfaction of hearing that classic synthesized transformation sound from the 80's cartoon series which, while undoubtably a blast for nostalgic fans, admittedly sounds absurdly out of place in this instance. The battle to follow is fast and furious, and definitively sets the tone for what is to come.
To paraphrase the issue #1 byline of the old Marvel 'Generation 2' comic series, "This ain't your father's Transformers!"
Next we meet teenager Samuel James Witwicky, wily student of John Marshall High School, as portrayed by Shia LaBeouf. Besides a laconic gridiron flashback, there isn't so much as a passing reference to the nickname 'Spike', which is somewhat unfortunate... and to be perfectly honest, with the way identifiable character names have been indifferently exchanged for this filmic interpretation, they may as well have named this lad Daniel and be done with it. Meh. LaBeouf, whom I've not personally seen on the screen before, puts in an affable performance as young Sam, who's only interest (it seems) is making enough money to buy his first car (to thus win the affections of a young woman, of course!). Sam's father (Ron, in this case, rather than the alternatives 'William' or 'Irving' of the old Marvel comics) agrees to pay for half of the car's retail value, so long as his enthusiastic progeny chips in for the rest of the purchase price. Thus Sam is seen to be selling memorabilia derived from his grandfather Archibald's fateful Antarctic expedition... on eBay, no less! And this, of course, brings the young man to the attention of the insidious Decepticons... and a certain covert Autobot operative.
Ignoring the controversy surrounding Bumblebee's vehicular revision for this movie, the character's introduction is clunkier than the physical condition of the 1976 model Camaro he first appears as (yes, there is an customary upgrade to follow). That said, there's a cute cameo by a 70's era yellow Volkswagen Beetle during the caryard scene (featuring Bernie Mac), which is sure to please disgruntled fans. To some extent. Anyway, acting like a cross between the enigmatic 'Snake-Eyes' (from competitive franchise, "G.I.Joe") and the possessed 1958 Plymouth Fury (of "Christine" infamy), Bumblebee soon becomes Sam's guardian, as the Decepticons begin to amass. But soon comrades come to answer the lone Autobot's call to arms (in a shameless 'homage' to "Batman"), and the battle begins in earnest...
The forces of robotic justice are comprised by the delightfully trigger-happy Ironhide (as voiced by Jess Harnell), stylish Jazz (unsatisfactorily played by Darius McCrary - his vocal intonation is much too deep for my personal liking, and lacks the idiosyncratic pizzazz one would expect from this character... but that's just MY opinion), medical officer Ratchet (Robert Foxworth), with the troupe predictably lead by Optimus Prime (the aforementioned Peter Cullen). The group dynamic is surprisingly faithful to that of the old cartoon, with the mechanical heroes playing enjoyably off one another. That said, I found Jazz to be entirely annoying, as previously indicated, and Ratchet, with his resolutely even-tempered demeanour, reminded me more of "Beast Wars" Rhinox than the crotchety old physician of the original cartoon series, but the mechanical quintet nevertheless works well together. Despite being mute (and loosely derived from a character I've always LOATHED), Bumblebee illicits genuine pathos in one scene, where the agents of the clandestine Sector 7 subdue and capture him (and again later, when he loses both legs in a building collapse). Not bad for a robotic construct devoid of articulated facial features! The Decepticons, on the other hand, are merely treated as convenient devices for wanton destruction, a barely personified threat, with little to no characterization to speak of at all. This much I was quite expecting, to be perfectly honest. One anomaly I did notice in respect to this oppositional faction, however, was the fact that there is a particularly viscious-looking tank identified (by argot) as 'Devastator', which has concurrently been marketed at retail as 'Brawl' - odd.
This brings me to another point; the violence in the film, while never gratuitous in nature, still packs a hefty punch, as collateral damage abounds exponentially. Here in Australia, the film has received an M15+ classification, which should come as some indication of what to infer from this assertion. I dare say (with a confessed degree of notable discomfort), that the scene involving Optimus Prime slaughtering the hideous Bonecrusher like a stuck pig left me grinning preternaturally from ear to ear! There's also a smattering of mild profanity (predominantly drowned out in the din of battle), which by comparison, leaves Spike's infamous line from the original 1985 movie looking rather timid by today's standards.
From an all-important production standpoint, I found this enterprise to be a rather mixed bag. The visual effects are simply outstanding - truly, these are some of the best (and intricately complex) computer-generated models I have ever laid eyes upon (disregarding whether or not the aesthetic design of the virtual cast might happen to personally appeal). We'll conscientiously overlook that flame motif, while we're at it. On the other hand, Mitchell Amundsen's cinematography, which frequently governs the framing of any given CGI component by default, was often too choppy to visually read, leaving some moments quite confused. I'm perfectly aware that this technique is employed to imbue an action sequence with a sense of threatening fly-on-the-wall realism, but I found it to be more disorientating than engrossing. The editing by Tom Muldoon and Paul Rubell is sufficient enough, and yet I was left feeling that intermittant portions of the story were conspicuously missing, and some sequences do come across as being excessively truncated. There are a number of instances where key developmental revelations are merely inferred, or seemingly omitted altogether. With the film reportedly being three hours long in the original cut (it now clocks in at a respectable 143 minutes), I conceed that this is only natural, but the result still seems a tad discordant at times. This was somewhat compounded by Michael Bay's frankly uneven direction, which leapt wildly from the prosaically pedestrian, to the dizzyingly frenetic. Some sequences (such as the scene where Sam first encounters a hostile Saleen-modified Ford Mustang police car) honestly come across as painfully amateur filmmaking. This froward discrepancy in pacing is clemently moderated by the empathetic scoring of Steve Jablonsky, whose previous work I can't say I'm at all familiar with. Well worth a listen in regard to its own merits, I'd wager. Surprisingly enough, the imposition of stock-standard commercial hit songs is kept to an unobtrusive minimum, and even the two updated renditions of the archetypal theme tune that have been doing the rounds over the Internet these past few months (those by artists Deceptibot and Mute Math) don't actually feature at all! Perhaps this absence has something to do with the Anne Bryant litigation I heard something about a while back... Incidentally, speaking of the aforementioned Deceptibot, am I the only person convinced that this is actually 'Nu Metal' band Linkin Park?
There are certainly things I would have had changed about this film. Firstly, I feel that the initial (off-screen) confrontation between Bumblebee and Barricade ought to have left the Autobot in question a little worse for wear, structurally speaking (to better motivate the unnecessary upgrade of his chassis to bare resemblance to the 2008 model Camaro). Additionally, I don't care for the notion that Cybertronians possess the inherent mechanical capability to haphazardly assimilate ANY contrivance scanned; originally, it was the autonomous Teletraan-1 meta-computer that oversaw the painstaking disection, then subsequent re-engineering of the deactivated ensemble in accordance to terran specifications. A greater diversity in car manufacturers would definitely have been nice, too (EVERYTHING bares the GMC branding in this film!). I also found that the dialogue expressed by the Autobots (most applicably relating to those adrenalin-fuelled moments of combat involvement) tended to be incredibly stilted. Given the unlikable casting of Jazz, and coupled with his overall lack of presence throughout the duration of the story, the character's death (while eminently gratifying in the instant of its occurrence) comes across as ultimately insignificant, lacking any impact. His valiant sacrifice amounts to nothing! Sparks, the very life-essence of each individual Transformer, are referred to by designation, but never so much as explained, leaving the layman movie-goer utterly clueless to their esoteric significance. It has to be said that the mass-reduction process demonstrated by the Allspark Cube itself is truly appalling, the sloppy animation leaving me laughing for all the wrong reasons (I'll get to the use of intended humour in a moment). The so-called Allspark should also have been dubbed 'Vector Sigma', irrespective of it being cuboid over spherically lenticular, in accordance with its presented faculty. And Cybertron itself is woefully envisioned. Most disappointing of all, however, would have to be the (anti) climactic showdown between Optimus Prime and the revived Megatron (perfectly played by Hugo Weaving). And they're BROTHERS in this take on the continuity?!
With the exception of the mitotic twins Sideswipe and Sunstreaker (from the so-called 'G1' series), I'm entirely dismissive of the RIDICULOUS concept of cybernetic kin...
Anyway, moving right along, while a visceral experience, the movie does still have its lighter moments. Sam's parents play wonderfully off each other (yes - the kid's actually got a MOTHER in this version of events!), with a scene taking place in the hapless teenager's bedroom being particularly amusing. Julie White is terrific in the role of Judy (and nicely supported by Kevin Dunn, whose casting I wasn't so sure about at first). Mojo, the maimed chihuahua, provides a laugh or two, merely via his comical appearance. There's also a peculiar (to put it mildly!) 'lubrication' sequence involving Bumblebee and a calamitous John Turturro - I shan't even speculate on what inspired this bizarre idea... A pivotal scene taking place at none other than Sherman Dam should keep 'Old Skool' fanatics happy, although there's little in the way of a robot-on-robot smackdown that actually takes place here, unfortunately. Eye-candy is supplied in the form of Megan Fox (as love-interest Mikaela Banes), while compatriot Rachael Taylor (the precocious technical analyst, Maggie Madsen) remarkably retains her natural accent in this project! Ha ha, you've got to root for your home team, after all. But one thing I found horribly disturbing is the fact that the Autobots would appear to be a bunch of lecherous PERVERTS - Bumblebee seems quite content to allow Sam and Mikaela happily make-out upon the hood of his vehicluar mode, while the rest of his surviving teammates sit back and watch them go at it... Egads, mechs - have some common decency, please! Heh heh, I'll just add that Josh Duhamel, Anthony Anderson, and the great Jon Voight also contribute noteworthy performances.
So then, in summary: this is an action-packed (potential) blockbuster, with solid characterization, and dazzling special effects... yet is missing SOMETHING in its long-awaited transition to the Big Screen - in considerate reflection, it is awarded three and a half stars from me.ADDENDUM, as of July 23rd, 2007: comments.deviantart.com/5/1351…
And oh, yeah - for those of you out there in Cyberspace who have been wondering... YES, I am still alive. 
